2011

I just realized that I haven't wrote anything in 2011 which is kinda of usual. I try to write something but just haven't managed to and here its the end of February. A lot has happened in these first two months and me not write. Well I will try and update what has been happening with me.

I have met several potential Doms. I have been talking to several which I have discussed in previous blogs. I have also been talking to a couple of new ones. I believe I have found a potential person to help take me to the next level which I'm anxious to experience but I have my doubts that this is the person I will remain with. I still have a vision of being owned by a man that will make me the primary. I actually want to be married, owned and collared. Most that I speak with already have a primary that they are married too or intend on marrying. So I see these individuals as friends, teachers and play partners.

Something else I have noticed is most want to change or tame me. They don't want to accept me for me which has some good qualities. I want someone to accept me and help me to become what I have the potential to be, not change me and make me what they want.

In January, I began talking to a Dom that made me more and more uncomfortable as we went though the getting to know process. He didn't speak about the things that I was interested, in even though his Fetlife profile indicted we might be compatible in several areas. He only focused on controlling my sex life. He wanted me to participate in gangbangs which would have been a new experience but not one that I ever thought I wanted to do. I agreed to try. We discussed attending a party together and he stated he wanted me to do 20-30 dicks in the weekend. This was extreme to me. He also stated he would decide which hole they would use. I have always been particular on who I chose to have sex with and even more particular with who had access to use my ass.

Another area that made me uncomfortable was he appeared to only want to humiliate and degrade me. I told him that these were areas I didn't do well. I have began to accept slut and have always accepted bitch but he wanted to call me whore and pig. I didn't say anything about whore but pig stepped over a boundary. In my opinion, he really wasn't interested in BBWs but for some reason he pursued me. Instead of accepting me and my body, he wanted to degrade me, change me. He wanted me to loose 10 pounds before we met. That wasn't a problem but I explained that I have trouble loosing. I have been trying to change my eating habits for some time and was attempting to exercise more.

The bottom line, he made me feel like he only wanted to use my submissiveness to make money. He stated he wanted me to take 5 to 10 dicks daily. In a D/s relationship, what does me taking 5 to 10 daily have to do with servicing him? In my mind it doesn't. My service would have been on my back to produce him an income.

I tried several times to say I was done. The first time he called me a pig. He said I should consider it an honor. I continued the "getting to know" period, hoping he would hear what I was saying about what I wanted and needed. However, he didn't.

The last straw was when I sent him a picture of me out with friends. He ask me about my friend stating she was do-able. I was something to be given away or thrown away only to be used to make him money. He even shared my private pics that I had sent him. He stated his people were anxious to get into my pussy.

He just made me uncomfortable. He wanted me to be something I wasn't. I don't sleep with just everybody and I have my reasons. So finally I pissed him off enough to stop talking to me all together. I actually thought when I said "peace out", he knew it was over. I hadn't spoken with him in over a week when he sent me a request to view me on cam. He didn't like that I took my bra off and someone else was viewing. So I guess since he said good bye, its finally over...woohoo!!!!

Ok...now on to the person that I believe will take me to the next level, V. He seems to be kind and understanding. We have had discussions about my limited experiences and where I would like to go. I have also told him about my disappointments. He is older as the others were younger. I told him all the bad stuff and he responds "bring it on". He says he wants to introduce me to pain and pleasure. I believe he wants to enlighten me to the pleasure in pain. He has stated several times "and why aren't you owned". This makes me feel good that someone is accepting me for me. I believe he wishes to help mold me, help me develop to my fullest potential as a submissive.

I'm still chatting with M but distance prevents us from becoming involved. He is another that I believe would be good for me and would be able to help me develop but again distance is an issue.

I still communicate with G but he doesn't want to move further. He wants control but doesn't want to meet me in real life. He doesn't want to move to the next level. He wants to continue to be long distance on-line D/s relationship. This isn't what I want. I want a fully interactive D/s relationship. It can be LDR but we have to be some face to face personal time.

At times, he seems to be jealous and hurt but I have begged him to allow me to visit. To take our interaction to the next step, physical involvement. He states he loves me but its only words with no action. His statements of love don't provide me with comfort. He doesn't provide any real guidance which is what I want and need at times. So I have made to decision to move on and find what I need but a future with him doesn't appear to exist.

I do believe this will be a very exciting year. I look forward to learning and seeing where this all takes me.

Seeking the Dom for Me

There are a lot of blogs and threads on Fetlife talking about how to find a Dom/Master. I think the most important thing is you should know you. You may not know what your looking for but you should have some idea of you or you will be searching blindly.

You should use the tools available to help you explore you such as a BDSM checklist. Luna at Submissiveguide.com has serveral activities to help a newbie learn and explore yourself in and effort to be a better submissive.

With that said, I'm currently attempting to find the Dom/Master for me. This is appearing to be a more difficult task then what I thought it would be. Some you find on the different social sites are masking themselves as a Dom/Master. They have become very adapt at influencing the weaker submissives. They look for ways to exploit with no real purpose except for their own self benefit.

Currently I'm talking to several men the declare themselves as Dominates. G has been in the running for over a year. However, there is something going on in his life that prevents him from wanting to meet me and advancing our relationship to the next level.

Then there is M. He fascinates me and I'm very intrigued. He offered to pay for me to visit and I'm planning on visiting him but family issues keep me in my state. I continue to communicate with him. He would be a LDR but he would allow for me to take care of my sexual needs. There are some stipulations which I could very well live with.

The last one, Mr is the most confusing. I've been talking to him for a short time and he seems to be more a swinger than Dominate. He does have the Dominate attitude but I'm not exacting feeling comfortable. When he talks to me its more about potential sexual involvement but doesn't say much about the BDSM side.

I've never done a gangbang and really didn't have an interest in doing one. I really don't know why. It maybe that I have never really received a lot of face to vace attention from men. Its seems like the internet has opened a door but that is only words. When it come to face to face like being out, I don't get attention. I'm not approached, very little conversation. I've gotten a little off track but this is apart of my ongoing search.

You see Mr speaks about me participating in gangbangs. It appears that he only wants control over my sex life. He hasn't talked about continuing my exploration of bondage or sensual BDSM.

I'm still working through issues of trust. I think it will be resolved when I find someone that I'm comfortable being with and can relax and let go. I continue with my search. Hopefully this will the year but if it isn't, let me have a good time exploring and meeting people.

Reflections

I think some people would be amazed at the woman I have become and others would be surprised. Which depending on the person could be good or bad. I like the person that I have become but I see a lot of growing room especially where with my submissiveness.

I think we all do a self evaluation especially when it is getting close to the end of the year. We look to make changes or adjustments so to improve ourselves for the upcoming year.

As I look at the year, it had been difficult in the beginning. I had a supposed boyfriend who stated he was a Dom but I would clearly classify him as a "Creepy Dom", at least according to several threads I have read speaking about bad dominates. Then I was in such a frenzy to experience the physical side of BDSM, I attempted to jump into the first relationship I could. Eventhough, I told myself I was going to take it slowly. I could have chosen to be a play partner but opted for the second in the household. Of course, I was unsuccessful and I have only myself to blame. In both relationships, I didn't listen to myself. I felt things weren't right but continue to pursue. We live and we learn.

However, because of the treatment that I have received from men in the past, I have become skepical about any chance of a potential relationship. I start talking to a man and for one reason or another interaction ceases. Sometimes I end it cause I get those uncomfortable feelings. Other times, the texting or IMing just stops with the indication given as they have been busy and just loose track. I don't really understand that reasoning. If the person truely wanted to become involved wouldn't they make more effort to maintain a pattern of communication.

As for my writing this blog, I feel that I have improved. At times, I think its unorganized but that is usually during periods of crisis which causes my perceptions to be irrational and paranoid.

Amazing

Nothing really happening on the submissive front but it was an amazing week. A lot of people from the past has re-entered my life or attempted too. There has been 2 that are very memorable. One is my life time friend who I have known since I was 2 years old. I had lost contact with her when my family was forced to move to a new city. I haven't seen or spoken to her in over 20 years and she managed to locate me on FB. We have emailed several times and I'm planning to travel and see her as soon as possible.

The other memorable person to enter my life is the person that actually introduced me to D/s. He was actually just a booty call or I should say a friend with major benefits. I have thought about out time together and wished I could share my decisions to enter the lifestyle with him. He, too, located me on FB. We both have experience some major life changes but will spend time exploring each other again. He is one of the few people that don't judge me. He allows me to be me. He not a Dom but in some sense he has opened the door to this wonderful lifestyle but I don't think he really knows it. He, as others, wants to be my Master but his isn't Master material. He isn't my final resting place so to speak but the near future will be a pleasant ride.

Weeding Out

Well, according to the status, my blog is getting read which is more than I ever expected. I was actually hesitate to share my feelings and thoughts but everyone has been so supportive.

On the Dom front, there really isn't much to tell. I have several that have sent me messages on Fetlife. I've responded. I have even spoken with a few through Yahoo IM but no one that really jumps out at me. Most are out of state which is what I prefer. Those in state, I can't even begin to know who to trust and who not too. The reason is a post all in its self.

Back to the men, its been a long time since I felt the touch of a man. I allowed my need to overcome me and I agreed to meet someone. I hadn't even ask for a pic which is usual for me. I also choose someone that was connected to a bitch that has caused nothing but trouble in my life for the last 3 years. I allowed my need to feel the touch of another to over rule all that I built to protect me. However, he managed to make me feel uncomfortable enough to back out just days before our pending meeting.

When someone approaches, you have an expectation that they want to be with you for whatever reason. Maybe if he likes what he taste, he will want to develop something longer term than just a night. But when all the dude wants to talk about is having a 3sum without even trying you first, there is a problem from the beginning. I even stated I wanted us to fuck before including anyone else. But he continued to talk about including another female. I finally stated I didn't think he had the right person. I don't mind being a booty call but at least give me the attention while we are together. Once we are both comfortable, lets explore and include others.

I was a little disappointed that I wouldn't be meeting this new guy. I really need some physical interaction. I'm tired of servicing myself. I'm tired of sexting.

But on the light side, I have had some positive interactions. I'm planning some vacations that will be associated with the individuals that seem appealing. There is one in California, another in Texas; and, of course, I want to return to Florida.

One of my more positive interactions is a female. She found my ID in a yahoo group. Its more of a swing group but she has said she is living a D/s relationship. She is married to a BBC and speaks about some of the things they do. The parties they have. I believe she is a Domme. Well, she has stated she is a Domme. She has mentioned meeting me which I find quite exciting and think I would enjoy. She would dominate me and I believe her husband would totally take me over.

First Play Party

Well I can now say that I have experienced a play party. I didn't participate in play because this first time I just wanted to observe. I had never been to one and didn't know what to expect. Plus I'm a little insecure in this area because I have such limited experience in play.

Ok...I had decided to take the weekend off from work for several reasons. The biggest reason being my birthday. I try to do something around my birthday to relieve some of my depressive symptoms. But me and being depressed on my birthday is another blog in its self.

I search events trying to find something to attend that weekend knowing I was going to be off and not wanting to stay at home. I had also been told in one of my threads on Fetlife to go to munches and events. I needed to get out and meet people.

I orginally had planned to go in the opposite direction of the state to attend a play party. However, due to some potential drama and not knowing who to trust, I decided to go to an area where I didn't know anyone. My thought was this could be a new start so to speak. People could get to know me based on their experience and not the rambling of a vengeful, bitter person who is just seeking attention. So for safety reason, I went in the opposite direction. I think this was a very good decision for me.

I found that the Purple Rose Society had posted an event for that day. It included a munch, demo and play party. Munches, I have attended so I knew what to expect but the rest was up in the air.

The demo was on Sensual Humiliation. It was presented by Dan and Dawn who are national presenters. This type of humiliation is very sutle and effective. I don't even think that some realize that they are experiencing it. The idea is to set up a task, or a series of, that will bring out the inner slut, to take the submissive or slave to another level of service and to push their limits. I believe this is an area I would like to explore further.

During the break, me and another who were first timers, were approached by a group of individuals who wanted to answer questions and make our experience a pleasant one. Then after the demo was finished and the dungeon was being set up, I was approached by a submissive that was in the earlier group. She ask if I had any questions. I had a few but the biggest one on my mind was concerning play and penetration. She informed me that there was no penetration at this event (site). However, at other events, penetration could be acceptable. She even offered to go into the dungeon with me when I wanted to watch some play. We continued to speak and then I decided I wanted to see what play was all about.

I think in the past, first timers have been overwhelmed when they first experienced play sessions so to prevent that members approach, explain things, answer questions and concerns. And in general, provide support and encouragement to help with the first timers continued exploration of the lifestyle and themselves.

Dan, one of the presenters, also approached several times during the night to ask how things were going, to offer to answer questions and provide support.

When we entered the dungeon, several people were playing. It was interesting to watch the different styles and approaches. Since play is individualized, each Dominate was aware of what the sub/slave needed and wanted. Even when a sub/slave was being flogged or padded, there didn't appear to be harshness. The Dominate continually spoke to the sub/slave to ensure everything was alright. This was different than what I had thought after some of my readings and viewing pics and videos. No one seemed to be in pain. It appeared to be all pleasure and fun.

I hadn't planned to play. I only intended to watch. With this in mind, I think I left earlier because I didn't want anyone to approach and ask me to play. I would have said yes. I wanted to play...I wanted to experience but something stopped me. I don't think it was my lack of trust because I felt very comfortable with the situation and atmosphere.

Dungeon etiquette was explained to me. It was really simple. You could watch but you needed to remain quiet so not to distract any of the participants. You also shouldn't enact with the sub/slave during playing so not to ruin the energy or their mindset.

I can't return for another play party. I may be brave enough to play.

Getting Ready

I'm getting so excited. In 12 days I will be attending my first play party. I really don't know what to expect or wear. I have posted to Fetlife a question about what to wear.

I think I'm moving along with learning to be a submissive. I'm not in the frenzy I once was to experience. I don't trust and with the realization, I have slowed down. I'm chatting and planning to attend events. This isn't something that I have to achieve in a day...I think I've come a long way.