Evaluating

I think at all points in time we need to do an evaluation of ourselves and those around us. I'm at that point.

I recently broke up with my play partner and those that follow my blog know that and the difficulties that I have had. But as I thought would happen, he waited some time and again contacted me. My emotions have been all over the place with this relationship but I think I have realized today that it probably is a toxic relationship.

It started as sexual only. I would meet him, we would hang out, fuck and I would return home. During those times, we had a chance to sit, talk and get to know each other. I think I saw him struggling and thought I could sweep in to save at least part of his day...lol.

The reason I say part of the day was I didn't want to enter his life fully. I didn't want another to become dependent on me putting all the pieces together as had happened in the past. He said he wanted to learn more about being a dominant. I thought I could help, I'm great at finding information and finding events so that he could experience and observe others. However, over time I was slowly drawn into a place that I didn't want to be.

He had always included me in his life, introducing me to his family and friends. I enjoyed some of our times together enough to bring him into my life which is unusual. I don't allow just casually contacts to enter my inner sanctum. I introduced him to me closest friend and one of my daughters. As time went by, I continued to introduce him to additional family and friends. This is where our lines got blurred. I began to care.

Anyways, now I'm at the point, do I let him back in and if so how far? I don't trust him so I don't think I will ever be able to play with him or have a sexual relationship with him. He blurs the lines between me and my stalker. He sees us as doing the same things and he hears what he wants, not what is said.

My evaluation of me is I have realized I want something deeper. I want a Dominate that can actually dominate me mind, body and soul. I want one that understands, encourages and is attracted to me. One that is willing to explore but is able to sense when limits have been reached.

I also see where I have went wrong in my past relationships. I have given in an effort to impress, hoping that the individual will see my value. I try to take care of what is wrong which has create a dependency. I thought I was providing a service when actually I wasn't. I was actually doing what I know and do best, taking over. This is my dominate side coming out.

I have always been the one to take care of things. When my girls were growing up, I did what was needed to keep them together and provide for their needs. I guess when you know how to do something, it becomes automatic when you see someone else with the same needs.

I have also determined that a newbie might not be the person for me. I need someone that has already defined himself. One that knows what he wants and can state it. One that is willing to listen but able to guide. One that isn't easily offended.

From my past, I have had to accept my part of what went wrong within my relationships in order to move on. I think I can do that now. Apart of me wants to continue to include him in activities so he can continue to learn but I don't think this would be good. I think this would affect my potential to learn and grow.

I've also come to realize that I may meet and belong to several before finding the right one. But with each that comes into my life, I learn something new about myself which encourages growth.

I no longer hold the anger that I use to. I think I could even have a casual relationship with those past involvements. But things will never go back to what they were. I can only hope that they also see their part in what went wrong and learn from it also.