Cravings

I'm a very independent, strong-willed woman who has been the matriarch of the family. I have always been the one to take care of any issue that may arise. I've worked and went to college while still being a force within my children's lives. My babies have always been a priority, actually my only priority. I always stated "my girls were unable to care for themselves but the men in my life were able too". Plus I knew that I was never a priority for any man.

All the men that I have been involved with has had their own agenda to operate by with little regard to what I needed or wanted so it has always been easy to walk away from these relationships. Don't get me wrong, I didn't walk away without hurt. I have always put my all into whatever I do and the includes my partners. I just haven't received the same from them.

So this leaves me lonely and craving. When I'm really stressed and overwhelmed, I sometimes crave to be tired up. I think the confinement would provide me with a level of safety and security which may help to elevate some of the negative that I'm feeling. I'm still waiting to test this theory.

Another theory/craving that I have is when I'm agitated, I want my partner to take control. I want to be forced to the bed, laying with the weight of my partner on top of me. Through touch, I want him to seduce my body. I want him tie me up to show me who is in control. I want him to proceed to convert my anger to those passionate feelings that I know exist. I want my neck kissed, my nipples pinched, my clit rubbed, licked and pinched. I want his fingers to probe my vagina and ass. I want him to tease me, take me almost to the brink of orgasm just to stop and repeat it over and over again. Then to take me and allow me the most intense release that I have ever felt.

Since I have learned about D/s, I have craved finding the right man to take control. At first, just in the bed room but once trust and respect have been established, I hope the limits are endless.

I'm awake and ranting

I'm awake as usual. I really should be sleeping and usually when I wake as I did tonight, I roll around the bed waiting to be reclaimed in the world of restfulness. However, tonight I decided to play online with the hope that I would become tired more quickly and get some rest. Its not working.

I've been reading through some groups, some threads are very thought provoking. Some are just individuals struggling as I have in the past, trying to get some insight on a situation within their lives. What I find amusing is some of the negative of the responses toward the OP. Its like ok I'm having a bad day so I'm sharing with you by putting you and your question down. I believe there is always a way to play the devil's advocate without being negative. But then some just like to grab attention.

The attention whores are the ones that get on my nerves. In the mental health field, we have a name for them...BORDERLINES...which is actually Borderline Personality Disorder. There is no cure for this, its learned behaviors, mostly negative. They scream for attention...look at me...look at how I've been hurt...look at what I can do...I'm the victim, someone come save me. I bet your thinking "Hell I know someone like that". They also lack the ability to take responsibility for there actions and must blame someone else for their failures. They are not honest. They could be caught in a lie and still not give you the truth. They attempt to manipulate people and situations. I must say, I really don't like Borderlines.

This is a good description of my stalker. She attempted to manipulate me in the beginning and when that didn't work, she thought lying would be a better way to cause me problems. However, she had a lot more time on her hands and has been very creative at time. Like knowing I'm sleeping with a mutually known person and they telling him I emailed her to inform her that I was with him. Oh, she did set up an email that was close to my ID, just not the right email, so that she could say "see here's the email". At a glance, you would have assumed it was mine like I said too much time.

Then the fact when something doesn't go the way she wants, she writes threats proclaiming someone has done her wrong. She's making more generalized statements now but still post to receive the sympathy, then apologizes stating she was having a "bad day". If your having a bad day, do you really need to post a thread giving the appearance that your a victim? Can't you just blog about your feeling? No you can't, you can't write. Or maybe your too embarrassed to write because people will see you for what you really are. I didn't forget, you do journal, just no one sees.

She likes to brag about her activities but changes the story someone confronts. Or when she wants to put another down, she forgets her back yard isn't exactly the neatness and she has told too many people different stories in order to get attention.

I believe this type of person will not be successful within this lifestyle especially if they are claiming to be a submissive. They don't think of others, only themselves. For everything they do, they have a hidden agenda. They again attempt to manipulate situations and people especially newbies that don't have a lot of information. They pretend to follow protocols but yet break they all. They say they have rules but they only exist on paper which make them worthless.

Ok...I think I'm done with my rant. Maybe now that I've cleared my mind I will be able to lay down and sleep. Oh, maybe I shouldn't wake up and read threads on Fetlife anymore when I can't sleep. Apparently it only agitates me...lol

Good Night

Something to be proud of

I posted a comment to a thread. I was then approached by the group owner and encouraged to share my experience with the whole group by creating a new thread.

The following comments which were emailed to me give me great pride:
"Your reply a few moments really spoke to me. I'd like to ask you to consider making a new thread about it. I think it could be extremely helpful to some of the newer folks we have as members.
Blessings be -- and thank you (most sincerely) for your participation."

"Smiles...I look forward to it. I've enjoyed reading your posts."

I have received such great encouragement from my followers here but still had doubts about my ability to express my opinions without seeming to ramble. I guess I'm on the right track.

I have some ideas for future blogs and I hope I can retain the ideas until I have the time to write. Again, I would like to take a moment and truly thank all my followers for their encouragement and support.

New Blog

I have started a new blog. Its currently under construction but will be sending invites to those who wish to continue to follow my awakening. Well I will need to figure out how to send invites...lol.

I really want to thank those that have followed my progress, not just in my submission but my writing also. I really do believe its a good outlet.

FYI...Stalker Bitch

WOW...2nd incident of physical stalking occurred today. I believe in the state of Ohio the 3rd incident will allow me to file charges...is this continued stalking worth catching a case? NOW...LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. STAY OFF MY BLOG PAGE.

Due to the stupid bitch that continues to manipulate statements that I make to serve her own purpose, I will be writing my blog on a different site. I will occasionally write here but due to my stalker, I'm unable to write my feelings, thoughts and perspectives. I just want to write so that I can clear my head and process whats going on with me.

Feeling Good

I love waking up knowing I get the chance to get cute and impress another. I know, I'm not suppose to do anything for another but for myself. But in this lifestyle, we do it for another most of the time. The results are it makes yourself also feel good and puts a positive spin for the day and sometimes longer. 

Well, I've shaved and showered. I should dye my hair but I believe I need another box because of all my hair which is quit thick and long. I'm stopping to get my eyebrows done. I'm not going to be accused of always looking frumpy, I have several nice blouses and jeans. Oh, can't forget the push up bra for cleavage...lol. Hopefully I will be bending over a pool table that site is impressive...lol.

I hope all my blogger followers have as good of day and what I'm planning too...even through its cold and rainy. 

Karma...so sweet

When Karma hits someone that so deserves its wrath, its so sweet to be available to see. My stalker is suffering from Karma's effects. Games just don't pay. Its so better to sit and watch as someone spirals out of control because she refused to see the limits she breached. Lying and manipulating people and friends, was it worth it?

Now maybe I can get back on track with my play partner that is if I choose. He has gave me my answer as to how he would like to define our friendship. But I don't know if that is what I want at this time. Maybe if he proves himself trustworthy since he won't be listening to information from unreliable sources that stalker so often offered. He will actually become the Dominant that he has the potential to be.

So Sweet...