First Play Party

Well I can now say that I have experienced a play party. I didn't participate in play because this first time I just wanted to observe. I had never been to one and didn't know what to expect. Plus I'm a little insecure in this area because I have such limited experience in play.

Ok...I had decided to take the weekend off from work for several reasons. The biggest reason being my birthday. I try to do something around my birthday to relieve some of my depressive symptoms. But me and being depressed on my birthday is another blog in its self.

I search events trying to find something to attend that weekend knowing I was going to be off and not wanting to stay at home. I had also been told in one of my threads on Fetlife to go to munches and events. I needed to get out and meet people.

I orginally had planned to go in the opposite direction of the state to attend a play party. However, due to some potential drama and not knowing who to trust, I decided to go to an area where I didn't know anyone. My thought was this could be a new start so to speak. People could get to know me based on their experience and not the rambling of a vengeful, bitter person who is just seeking attention. So for safety reason, I went in the opposite direction. I think this was a very good decision for me.

I found that the Purple Rose Society had posted an event for that day. It included a munch, demo and play party. Munches, I have attended so I knew what to expect but the rest was up in the air.

The demo was on Sensual Humiliation. It was presented by Dan and Dawn who are national presenters. This type of humiliation is very sutle and effective. I don't even think that some realize that they are experiencing it. The idea is to set up a task, or a series of, that will bring out the inner slut, to take the submissive or slave to another level of service and to push their limits. I believe this is an area I would like to explore further.

During the break, me and another who were first timers, were approached by a group of individuals who wanted to answer questions and make our experience a pleasant one. Then after the demo was finished and the dungeon was being set up, I was approached by a submissive that was in the earlier group. She ask if I had any questions. I had a few but the biggest one on my mind was concerning play and penetration. She informed me that there was no penetration at this event (site). However, at other events, penetration could be acceptable. She even offered to go into the dungeon with me when I wanted to watch some play. We continued to speak and then I decided I wanted to see what play was all about.

I think in the past, first timers have been overwhelmed when they first experienced play sessions so to prevent that members approach, explain things, answer questions and concerns. And in general, provide support and encouragement to help with the first timers continued exploration of the lifestyle and themselves.

Dan, one of the presenters, also approached several times during the night to ask how things were going, to offer to answer questions and provide support.

When we entered the dungeon, several people were playing. It was interesting to watch the different styles and approaches. Since play is individualized, each Dominate was aware of what the sub/slave needed and wanted. Even when a sub/slave was being flogged or padded, there didn't appear to be harshness. The Dominate continually spoke to the sub/slave to ensure everything was alright. This was different than what I had thought after some of my readings and viewing pics and videos. No one seemed to be in pain. It appeared to be all pleasure and fun.

I hadn't planned to play. I only intended to watch. With this in mind, I think I left earlier because I didn't want anyone to approach and ask me to play. I would have said yes. I wanted to play...I wanted to experience but something stopped me. I don't think it was my lack of trust because I felt very comfortable with the situation and atmosphere.

Dungeon etiquette was explained to me. It was really simple. You could watch but you needed to remain quiet so not to distract any of the participants. You also shouldn't enact with the sub/slave during playing so not to ruin the energy or their mindset.

I can't return for another play party. I may be brave enough to play.

Getting Ready

I'm getting so excited. In 12 days I will be attending my first play party. I really don't know what to expect or wear. I have posted to Fetlife a question about what to wear.

I think I'm moving along with learning to be a submissive. I'm not in the frenzy I once was to experience. I don't trust and with the realization, I have slowed down. I'm chatting and planning to attend events. This isn't something that I have to achieve in a day...I think I've come a long way.

LOL Day

I just read another's blog on LOL Day. Its amazing that they have dedicated a day for bloggers to love their lurkers. This is just a hoot...lol.

I've noticed my status have increased in just a few short months. I've also gained a few followers.

I didn't really think my writing was that good so I haven't posted a link on my Fetlife page like I've seen. But I also don't want those hidden enemies to have this site. This is a safe place for me to write so that I can process what I'm learning and experiencing. I don't need my feelings and thoughts used against me.

Drama

Everytime I think things are done and over with B, he does something to provoke a reaction. Its usually not the reaction that he wants but, of course, I react. Well yesterday was no different. I must say there were a couple of times that I didn't react like when he tried to get into my email accounts. Of course, he was unsuccessful.

I thought everything was done the first weekend of the month. That everything had been said and we were not going to communicate again. I was good with this because as I had stated from the beginning of our relationship the only thing he had to offer me was dick. This is the only reason that I agreed to meet him each time that he has contacted me. I knew in January when he contacted me and spent a day together that our relationship wasn't going anywhere. He broke the trust and respect that I had for him. He had proven that he wasn't this man that was honest and had integrity. He was just like all the rest and even displayed the same patterns of behavior. And because of this I couldn't trust or respect him. I felt the need to be near him but knew there was no relationship in the future.

The door to the lifestyle had opened and I so wanted to immerse myself in it. I ask him several times to explore play with me but realized I was glad he never followed through. I felt he would involve others that wanted to harm me or he himself would because he wouldn't pay attention to my limits. This was one of the reasons I continued to attend munches and develop relationships with other Dominants.

Yesterdays threats were the lowest ever. I received a voice mail from a female who blocked her phone number and didn't leave her name. She stated I was a "cunt" and she had printed my information from Fetlife. She stated she intented to send to an ex (prior to B) and to my employer. She even stated 2 of the locations at which I have worked that she intended to send too. B was the only one to have all the information. Plus B has mentioned the prior ex several times. He even text stating he hopes he (prior ex) beats my brains out.

The difference between me and them. I address the problem with the person I have it with. They hid by blocking their number and not identifying themselves. When someone does this, it gives the appearance of not being honesty. It also shows their childish, high school behaviors. We are all over 30, can't we act like adults.

Through a texting, he continues to be dishonest and call me names. I had attempted to call him but he refused to answer. Then he called me. I didn't allow him to speak. I said what I needed and hung up. His response was to send 2 additional text. Karma is a bitch and will catch up to him.

I can close the door on this relationship knowing that I had submitted to him and did my best to care for him. Our relationship was a LDR since he was a truck driver. So when he came to the area I would get a motel room so that he could have a night of comfort instead of being cramped in a cab of his truck. I would go to different places for food so that he could have something different than what he was use too. I even bought him gifts so he would have some comforts while on the road. I really don't know what I could have did different but I did what I thought I was suppose too since I wasn't getting any guidance.

I'm hoping that I can now put all this aside and concentrate on my submissiveness. I spoke with a friend and expressed my concerns with attending a play party alone because of everything that is going on. He suggested a big event for me to attend in Febuary. I told him of an event I planned to attend in November. He stated he was going in November and re-assumed me that if trouble was started by anyone. The event personal would address the issue. He also stated he would let me know if there were individuals that were trustworthy to play with. He also told me I could call and vent to him anytime.

I am so glad that I found Fetlife. I have found some really good people and a wealth of information. Don't get me wrong there are those that aren't nice but the supportive ones out weigh the unkind.

I plan on to continue reading books, threads and blogs to help with provid insight into my submissiveness and improve my ability to submit to my future Dominant. I also plan to attend events now that I know I won't need to go alone. I may attend single but I won't be alone. I'll have trustworthy individuals that I may actually be comfortable enough to participate in the play. The future looks a little brighter.

Here's a quote that I hope all can appreciate..."I'm sarcastic and a smartass....It's a natural defense against stupidity, drama, and bullshit."

Interviewing a potential Dominate/Master

When I determined that the person I thought would be my Dominate wasn't going to fill that role, I was at a loss how to look or find one that was suited to me. To find an individual that I trusted, had respect for and dependent on while in comprising situations. I have read several threads and blogs with a similar tone so I know I'm not the only one to be distressed with finding a Dominate/Master.

Luckily, others have already wrote about their experiences and how they handle certain situations. Plus I was fortunate to stumble on to submissiveguide.com who writes about issues that submissives and slaves may face in their quest for the perfect relationship. Since I have been receiving the newsletters, there has been a 2 part series talking about what to look for. Its "Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 1 and 2". I'm sure a novice or newbie would be quit interested in these two articles. I was. It has helped me to develop a dialog with potential Dominates. When potential Dominates dont fit with information that I have previously read or learned, I can then ask why the difference.

Now I usually ask what the potential Dominates view on the role of a Dominate and submissive. Also, something that I picked up on my own was what philosophy they trained or acknowledged. The last question seems to be tricky because they ask what I mean. I have learned that there are subsets within the lifestyle that have very defined ideas on community and roles within that community. When they aren't able to answer this, I give me a red flag. Are they serious about the lifestyle or just a fake?

If your question session doesn't give you some ease, it might be wise to move on to the next. Don't allow one to attempt to exert dominance when it is unwanted. What I have learned, you need to negotiate and feel comfortable with what you choose.

Something else I've been thinking about is the potential Dominate's involvement in the local community. It appears when they have involvement, they are concerned with their reputation. Its just something else to consider.

When can the past be the past

When entering a new relationship, I think the past ones should be left alone. They failed for a reason and an individual usually has hope that the new will not end up as the old. You want to trust and believe in the new while still maintaining the knowledge that patterns from the past may present. But both are different people. You have experienced another relationship to learn and grow. While the other participate has done the same with his past experiences.

Why do some insist on harping on that which has failed? Why do they need to continue to insert themselves and ruin what doesn't include them? Why are they so bitter that they can't allow happiness?

I must stipulate that those injecting themselves aren't always the ex but a third party. Most of the time, the third party feels they have to fight a battle that doesn't exist. Third parties also think they need to "warn" the new of the past perceived problems that don't exist.

Longing

I long to be touched. Its been awhile since I have had intimate contact.
I long to be tied up. To be restrained while attempting to get free.
I long to have a pair of lips on my breast, sucking and biting.
I long to have a man's hand touching my body, rubbing and caressing.
I long to be used as I should be. To have my hair pulled, ass smacked and another body slamming into mine.
I long to be tortured with a variety of sensual sensations with the end result being safisification.
I long to be cuddled and carassed til I go to sleep, feeling safe and secure in his arms.