Loyal

I was recently ask if I was "loyal". Of course, I answered that was one of my best traits but I don't think that was a fair question.

This person was wondering if i would be loyal to him and him alone. The funny thing is he didn't mention he being loyal to me or ask about my other potential loyalties. If he would have ask me to be disloyal to my family or other responsibilities and I would have been, I would have been dishonest and weak willed and disloyal.

I'm not easily swayed, usually the person has to break the bond, not someone telling me too. I base my friendships, trust and loyalty on how I'm treated, not the next person. So I'm not going to break a bond based on someone else's dislike or bad interaction. 

Dreams that are in reality fantasy

As a child, I had a dream about love, marriage, family and how my life was going to be. Even with uncaring parents, iffy childhood, divorce, lose of many things, I was still able to have a sense of morals and ethical code. I still had dreams but they were only dreams. I didn't believe they would come true. I guess I lost hope.

I was married, neither lived up to my dream. Both men said they loved me but never made me a priority so didn't live up to the dream. Neither men took care of me, I took care of everything in the house so didn't live to the dream. Both men thought there activities came first I was there to support them unless the kids had something, this included surgeries. However, I've always been alone so no dream here. Of course, a good sign that the dream failed, I've had 2 failed marriages and multiple failed relationships.

So sense I'm middle age and the likely hood of finding a successfully relationship, I conclude that in reality the dream is a fantasy. I don't know why it exists for some and not for others but for me it doesn't. Love is real with my children and grandchildren but that's the extent.

I don't know how this really affects me at this point. Its just a realization that I've came too. Now I need to figure out how this fits into the puzzle. I think it will be interesting.

My Jouney continues

I decided to take a step away from things for awhile but now I think its time to focus on me. To be honest, I've hide because I really didn't want to make time for a relationship. I didn't want to admit that I was doing that but I think I was.

I got hurt and disappointed, instead of dealing, I decided I my family or work needed me more so I closed the door and did look back. I built walls and made sure no one would attempt to breach. I can say I was successful.

But then I realized something was missing and that was a partner so I thought I would put myself out there again. I thought I knew what I wanted. I knew who I am. I knew the mistakes I made in the past. So I started talking again and actually found a couple that I was impressed with. However, I came to realize, its not just me.

During the getting to know stage, its not just about sex. I'm 52 years old. More than sex has happen to me in 52 years so that affects how I respond to things. I have triggers that send those walls up before I realize what is happening but I guess my walls weed out and allow me to focus on the ones that might truly be worth evaluating.

I can't allow myself to over focus on the ones that appear to be based in fiction. I think I've read too many books...lol

Continued Disappointment

I find myself continuely being disappointed with potential partners. They begin to chat, getting to know each other. I continue to hear the similar statements about not being able to find someone but no one takes the time to know me. How do they know I'm not the right person?

They often become upset when I confront them about the lack of communication. Instead of accepting I may have a point, I'm accused of being child like or acting like I'm in high school.

I don't play games but if I'm unhappy about something I ask questions or make statements. Instead of taking time a discussing the situation, I'm ignored.

I've spent a life time being ignored, I won't be just cuz someone can't man up and talk. I move on.

I want someone to follow though with their statements. Show me that there is action behind their words and not just that they are telling me things I want to hear.

I also want to be a priority. I want someone to make me just as important as I make them. Maybe my expections are too high?

Weirdest Dream

OMG...I just woke from the weirdest dream. I had a baby, went back to college and was involved with a gang just to play softball.

Attention Whore

Wow...I was told tonight that I was an attention whore. I was demanding this particular person sole attention. He doesn't know my past and wouldn't listen to the reasons why I wanted attention. And he can't understand why he has only seen me 3 times in about 7 years. 

Personally, he is the one that is self-centered and feels entitled. The only thing he can do is blame me and tell me I'm wrong in the thinking and philosophy.

I've spent a life time being unimportant to men. I think I have a right and deserve a little attention from whoever wants to be with me. If they don't want to spend a little time meeting my needs, there's no reason to consider putting effort into anything. 

Men also figure since I identify as bi that there should always be another female involved. This is a major turn off. I wish the would get to know me and allow us to explore each other. Than we can go on the prowl for a third. The prowling would be together so we could find someone we each agree on but this thought appears to be lost on all of then.

I the bottom line is I don't like all females. Some are shady and have there own agenda. Females also lie especially to the males because of their agenda. 

I have found a successful three some will be when the female is interested in both parties not just the male. This is another thought lost on the males.

Well I've vented enough tonight. 

Its been awhile.

I haven't wrote in over a year. I had other things that needed my focus. I was working mass hours and then still had family that needed my attention.

My life had slowed down and my family don't need me as they did. I've decided to refocus on myself and my role in the lifestyle.

I've started talking to several men. Some have went by the disappeared before we even had a chance to meet. I don't consider those men to be a loss because we were only in the talking stage.

I've renewed a relationship with Doc. We played once but I continue to think of that night. He has peaked my interest with several scenios. He has also stated a list of the top 5 things he would like to see me do.

I've also been speaking to another. He surprised me today in the conversation that he would like to collar me and live in his home with another female. The was exciting cause it was something new but I need to meet him and see what the chemistry is between the 3 of us.

I've began talking to another female. I'm hoping to explore my bi side a little further.

Well that's my update. Hopefully I'll have more exciting advertures to report.