Well, work has taken over my life in the last few weeks. I changed my schedule so that I would have weekends off. I wanted to attend some BDSM events. Well that hasn't happened yet due to being sick or family priorities.
Actually, I planned to clean this weekend and do some reading both here and on Fetlife. But again, family priorities arose. Only a few in the kink world know about my grandson. He is 2 1/2 years old and is 1st on the transplant for multiple organs. On 8/17, he will be on the list for 2 years. This past Saturday, we received the call that possible organs might be available and we needed to be on stand-by. Stand-by ended up being 9 torturous hours to only find out that the organs went to another baby.
I need to be available for my child has prevented me from meeting Sir. I was upfront about by priorities to my family and Sir has been extremely understanding. We haven't planned to meet because I'm unable to leave and I can't guarntee to be available if he would visit. So the wait continues on several levels.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Accomplished
I'm working on several task but Sir did need to remind me. I just haven't been myself but I think I have attempted to move forward last week. I think my new work schedule is kicking my ass. Once I get into a flow, things will be better.
I am excited. I hope in October to take care of something on my bucket list while learning more about BDSM and my limits. Sir has given me permission to attend Kinky Kollege 2011 in Chicago. I have always wanted to visit Chicago and now will have the chance. I can't wait.
I am excited. I hope in October to take care of something on my bucket list while learning more about BDSM and my limits. Sir has given me permission to attend Kinky Kollege 2011 in Chicago. I have always wanted to visit Chicago and now will have the chance. I can't wait.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
What a Week
I'm so glad this week is coming to an end. Because Sir is busy with his work, we haven't chatted in almost 2 weeks. He did surprise me by posting He missed me on my Fetlife wall which put a smile on my face. He also attempted to contact me on IM but I was sleeping at the time. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to chat with him a little more.
Then my play partner is being an ass. Of course, I figured things would be rough this week. He told his "supposed" sub that he was attending an event with me and as I predicted, she has been causing problems.
I guess the primary reason I've been upset with him is because of his actions. I really don't think expecting a phone call is too much. Then he continually compares me to the bitch. I'm nothing like her. She yells and makes statements with no foundation. I would even say she has developed some delusions. And if I have a problem with her, I attempt to address it with her. When she has a problem, she runs to him and screams like he can really do anything to me.
I guess my frustration is we don't have a D/s relationship. We have stated it is strictly sexual. However, I have attempted to look out for him. He is naturally agressive and an alpha male but wants to go further to become a Dominate and then Master. He wants to build skills for play. He has come to the realization that he is a sadist and enjoys dishing out his fair share of pain and torture. He wants to learn to do it the right way, to inflict pain without damaging. I'm trying to show him the avenues to find the information so he can achieve his goal.
My real frustration comes when this "supposed" sub tells him something. She comes up with protocols but doesn't follow any herself. She states to everyone that she is his sub but doesn't act like one. She doesn't look out for him, his needs or wants. She is jealous and out of control. And when she is upset, I'm brought into the conversation. She is sneaky. I have blocked her from my page for a reason and she finds others to view my page and report back to her just so she can bitch about what he is doing with me. She doesn't see her behaviors are affecting her relationship.
Well, even with all my frustrations concerning my play partner, I chose to continue with the weekend. However, we were unable to attend the rope class or champagne room. I was extremely disappointed because I had so looked for to it for several months. But I finally realized that I no longer had the attention of my play partner. He wasn't in the least interested in having sex. I had to ask to be fucked which was very short. Neither of us were really satisfied.
I ask what happened to our sex life. It was so great the first 2 months, then about 6 weeks ago something happened and I really don't understand. I told him I would not return until he ask and again showed some interest. He stated he was distracted and had a lot going on. But today the truth finally came out. He accused me of lying and stated I acted just like his "supposed" sub.
Yes, I had been giving him attitude but it wasn't due to what she was doing but due to his behaviors. There was a change in our relationship. Instead of him being honest with what was wrong, he wanted to attempt to correct my attitude. What he failed to realize is we weren't in a D/s relationship, he kept saying we were just sexual. Even that wasn't even true.
But, oh well, on to the next chapter. I so need a play partner. Sir told me to go get fucked. He thinks that will help me over all which it probably will...time will tell
Then my play partner is being an ass. Of course, I figured things would be rough this week. He told his "supposed" sub that he was attending an event with me and as I predicted, she has been causing problems.
I guess the primary reason I've been upset with him is because of his actions. I really don't think expecting a phone call is too much. Then he continually compares me to the bitch. I'm nothing like her. She yells and makes statements with no foundation. I would even say she has developed some delusions. And if I have a problem with her, I attempt to address it with her. When she has a problem, she runs to him and screams like he can really do anything to me.
I guess my frustration is we don't have a D/s relationship. We have stated it is strictly sexual. However, I have attempted to look out for him. He is naturally agressive and an alpha male but wants to go further to become a Dominate and then Master. He wants to build skills for play. He has come to the realization that he is a sadist and enjoys dishing out his fair share of pain and torture. He wants to learn to do it the right way, to inflict pain without damaging. I'm trying to show him the avenues to find the information so he can achieve his goal.
My real frustration comes when this "supposed" sub tells him something. She comes up with protocols but doesn't follow any herself. She states to everyone that she is his sub but doesn't act like one. She doesn't look out for him, his needs or wants. She is jealous and out of control. And when she is upset, I'm brought into the conversation. She is sneaky. I have blocked her from my page for a reason and she finds others to view my page and report back to her just so she can bitch about what he is doing with me. She doesn't see her behaviors are affecting her relationship.
Well, even with all my frustrations concerning my play partner, I chose to continue with the weekend. However, we were unable to attend the rope class or champagne room. I was extremely disappointed because I had so looked for to it for several months. But I finally realized that I no longer had the attention of my play partner. He wasn't in the least interested in having sex. I had to ask to be fucked which was very short. Neither of us were really satisfied.
I ask what happened to our sex life. It was so great the first 2 months, then about 6 weeks ago something happened and I really don't understand. I told him I would not return until he ask and again showed some interest. He stated he was distracted and had a lot going on. But today the truth finally came out. He accused me of lying and stated I acted just like his "supposed" sub.
Yes, I had been giving him attitude but it wasn't due to what she was doing but due to his behaviors. There was a change in our relationship. Instead of him being honest with what was wrong, he wanted to attempt to correct my attitude. What he failed to realize is we weren't in a D/s relationship, he kept saying we were just sexual. Even that wasn't even true.
But, oh well, on to the next chapter. I so need a play partner. Sir told me to go get fucked. He thinks that will help me over all which it probably will...time will tell
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Love this Post
This was posted in a Fetlife group.
"Submission is not about sex. Submission is not something one can learn. It is not sex. It is not dirty.
Submission is beauty. It is a beauty that comes from the very soul of a submissive woman.. It is a breaking down of the walls built up in her lifetime, allowing the beautiful, sensual woman to come through.
Submission is about sensuality. It is about trust, communication, vulnerability, caring and honesty. It is about being graceful, sensual, beautiful woman that resides within.
Submission is about knowing who you are, and what you want. A submissive is NOT a weak person but just the opposite. She is strong. Shis is strong in herself, and in the knowledge of who she is. She NEVER submits out of weakness or desperation. She submits out of strength, love and trust.
Submission is freedom. It is a letting go of one's self, knowing that the Dominant is there to catch her if she falters. It is about pushing to be the very best one can be, not only as a submissive, but as a woman."
I love reading things that touch the soul. It gives me hope that I will too have what is spoken about.
"Submission is not about sex. Submission is not something one can learn. It is not sex. It is not dirty.
Submission is beauty. It is a beauty that comes from the very soul of a submissive woman.. It is a breaking down of the walls built up in her lifetime, allowing the beautiful, sensual woman to come through.
Submission is about sensuality. It is about trust, communication, vulnerability, caring and honesty. It is about being graceful, sensual, beautiful woman that resides within.
Submission is about knowing who you are, and what you want. A submissive is NOT a weak person but just the opposite. She is strong. Shis is strong in herself, and in the knowledge of who she is. She NEVER submits out of weakness or desperation. She submits out of strength, love and trust.
Submission is freedom. It is a letting go of one's self, knowing that the Dominant is there to catch her if she falters. It is about pushing to be the very best one can be, not only as a submissive, but as a woman."
I love reading things that touch the soul. It gives me hope that I will too have what is spoken about.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Rebellion
I believe I just figured something out. Its something that I have always probably known, just didn't want to admit. I rebell when I am fearful or anxious, sometimes overwhelmed. Sometimes I just don't want to admit, express or inform that I have these feelings. I don't like to appear to be weak.
Well now that I have acknowledged it. I can learn to accept and work around.
Well now that I have acknowledged it. I can learn to accept and work around.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Quotes
I follow several blogs here on blogger. A Dautless Journey posted 2 quotes that I find very profound. The first is “The difference between a truly dominant man and a controlling one is that the dominant man needs and wants consent, whereas the controlling man doesn’t even understand what this word means.” by Sir J
I think this is a quote that all newbies and novice should see. I have often read threads on Fetlife asking about how to search for a Dominant. As most know the controlling isn't really a good Dominant. They just want control and their own demands and needs meet. They care very little about submission or the person giving. They are just concerned with control.
This quote describes Sir. When I expected him just to do something like post or share pics that I have sent, he didn't. As for posting, he ask if he could post to his page even though he requested and I freely provided with the expectation that he would post. I was impressed that he ask for consent before even considering.
During another conversation, I had shared some pics. We then discussed the possible involvement of one of his friends. I ask if he would going to share my pics and he stated only if I wanted him too. Again this took me by surprise. I had conversations with another who shared and didn't even think to mention that he intended to do so.
These were just a couple of instances that helped me to decide that Sir was in fact a good Dominant and the one that I wanted to learn from. He didn't demand or force. He chatted with me to learn more. He assisted in dissolving my anger and trust issues. He listens when I have concerns and doesn't make harsh judgements. Our relationship is LDR but I know I will be comfortable with him and trust that he will see to my safety.
The second quote posted is "Submission can actually engender power: realizing that you have something to give, and that you are capable of mastering your own will to give it up the way your top wants it instead of the way you think S/He should want it, can inspire pride: not the false pride of an inflated ego, but the true pride that, like humility, comes from knowing the depths of your self." — William Henkin. This to me speaks volumes for the essence and heart of a true D/s relationship.
I think this is a quote that all newbies and novice should see. I have often read threads on Fetlife asking about how to search for a Dominant. As most know the controlling isn't really a good Dominant. They just want control and their own demands and needs meet. They care very little about submission or the person giving. They are just concerned with control.
This quote describes Sir. When I expected him just to do something like post or share pics that I have sent, he didn't. As for posting, he ask if he could post to his page even though he requested and I freely provided with the expectation that he would post. I was impressed that he ask for consent before even considering.
During another conversation, I had shared some pics. We then discussed the possible involvement of one of his friends. I ask if he would going to share my pics and he stated only if I wanted him too. Again this took me by surprise. I had conversations with another who shared and didn't even think to mention that he intended to do so.
These were just a couple of instances that helped me to decide that Sir was in fact a good Dominant and the one that I wanted to learn from. He didn't demand or force. He chatted with me to learn more. He assisted in dissolving my anger and trust issues. He listens when I have concerns and doesn't make harsh judgements. Our relationship is LDR but I know I will be comfortable with him and trust that he will see to my safety.
The second quote posted is "Submission can actually engender power: realizing that you have something to give, and that you are capable of mastering your own will to give it up the way your top wants it instead of the way you think S/He should want it, can inspire pride: not the false pride of an inflated ego, but the true pride that, like humility, comes from knowing the depths of your self." — William Henkin. This to me speaks volumes for the essence and heart of a true D/s relationship.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Mistakes
I think I probably made a mistake today. I posted a thread on Fetlife that was really taken the wrong way by some but after reading some of the responses I could have done things differently.
I wrote about my play partner and the female he is involved with. I wanted some ideas on how to approach her because he wants us to be friends. However, it turned out differently. I wrote about behaviors that I felt needed to be changed and weren't sub like. I attempted to stay neutral but wasn't. I was probably a lot angry when I wrote it because there has been this back and forth since she found out we were friends on Fetlife.
She posted a thread asking "Am II wrong" but didn't list the behaviors for anyone to determine if she was wrong. I was felt she insulted me in that thread because she made mention of my professionalism within my career field which has nothing to do with this lifestyle.
I have always been the type to see a problem and attempt to provide options with which to fix the said problem. That is after all what I'm trained to do. But I now realize this isn't something that I can fix.
I have told my play partner that she and I will not be friends. I'm not even going to make an effort for several reasons. The primary reason is because she really doesn't mean what she says. I requested a public apoligize and she placed conditions on if she would or not. That tells me she isn't really wouldn't mean it, she would just be saying it to appease another.
Up until this point, I had remained quiet and I really don't know why I let the situation take me to the point that I posted the thread. I do want to apologize to SirBlock for posting about his interactions with another. I also want to apologize to Sir because I failed him by being impulsive and allowing my anger to get the best of me.
I wrote about my play partner and the female he is involved with. I wanted some ideas on how to approach her because he wants us to be friends. However, it turned out differently. I wrote about behaviors that I felt needed to be changed and weren't sub like. I attempted to stay neutral but wasn't. I was probably a lot angry when I wrote it because there has been this back and forth since she found out we were friends on Fetlife.
She posted a thread asking "Am II wrong" but didn't list the behaviors for anyone to determine if she was wrong. I was felt she insulted me in that thread because she made mention of my professionalism within my career field which has nothing to do with this lifestyle.
I have always been the type to see a problem and attempt to provide options with which to fix the said problem. That is after all what I'm trained to do. But I now realize this isn't something that I can fix.
I have told my play partner that she and I will not be friends. I'm not even going to make an effort for several reasons. The primary reason is because she really doesn't mean what she says. I requested a public apoligize and she placed conditions on if she would or not. That tells me she isn't really wouldn't mean it, she would just be saying it to appease another.
Up until this point, I had remained quiet and I really don't know why I let the situation take me to the point that I posted the thread. I do want to apologize to SirBlock for posting about his interactions with another. I also want to apologize to Sir because I failed him by being impulsive and allowing my anger to get the best of me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)