Creating Doubts

I think I truely surprised Sir when I ask to earn a place in his household. He spoke bluntly as usual which caused me to doubt if I was doing the right thing. He told me to make time for a return visit where I would serve him. He told me he was going to fuck my ass and I don't remember alot after that. I went into my own lil space as I had the night we met face to face. That night he was telling me that I was of a higher level and quit messing with those beneath me. I should be playing on there level. I think that was partly the reason I decided pursue a place in Sir's household.

There are a couple of things that really upsets me is that he states he won't have anything to do with me til I come to serve him. I will be trained by Ma'am and go through her to arrange everything. That is all good because we appear to get along well. We think along the same lines. But to get back, what upsets me is how can he truely dominate me or take control if he doesn't get to know me. Chatting is a way for both of us to get to know one another. Plus he also states he don't love the woman, he loves the submission. I think by ignoring the woman, he is missing out on so much. The woman is the whole...her submission is just a part of who she is. I keep wondering how I can totally submit to someone that ignores apart of who I am.

Then there is the fact I can give my body to him but will I be able to give my mind and heart. At this point I don't believe I can. My mind is too strong and because he is choosing to not really deal with me on any level, makes me continue to wonder how can he guide me. As for my heart, that will be protected. It has been given only to be abused. Its best that is remains well protected. So where is this relationship really going? Am I making a mistake to persue? Should I have ask just to be a play partner and not want a position? Am I being dishonest with myself and therefore with him?

I haven't been given alot of details which is also causing doubt. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how to prepare. When I ask Ma'am she said the only expectation was to be willing. I haven't been given any rules but I really haven't committed to them yet. I don't want to do anything and then it be viewed as a breach. If I don't know the rules, how do I know if I'm breaking them. I tell people I like to attempt to bend the rules and if not caught, no harm no foul. However, if I'm caught, I will gladly take responsibility. Sir appears to be very strict and again this concerns me.

I've never experienced a D/s relationship and I find myself jumping to a M/s relationship. I have stated "I'm not a slave". However, Sir has taken the time to break it down for me at least where it stands in his househole. It appears really easy on the outside. You submit, do as your told, voice your concerns in an appropriate manner and put home, family and Sir as a priority.

My next visit is scheduled for July 19th. I will be staying with Sir and Ma'am. Ma'am will be training me and I really don't know what to expect.