A Wish

If I had one wish for tonight it would be to cuddle up in bed tonight with Sir. A pillow top mattress with lots of pillows around us, soft sheets and a down comforter. Hence its a wish not to be fulfill. I'm going to bed alone in a cold bed with a quilt and comforter to eventually suffer from night sweats. Reality sure is different from our fantasy world.

Overwhelming Week

This week was the most overwhelming week I've ever had. My sister was found dead, there were a lot of drama and issues after my sister's death, my 2 youngest daughters were in the hospital for separate reasons and my car totally broke. If there was ever a time I needed my hand held it was this week but that was only a wish.

I believe this is one of the reason I will have such a hard time submitting fully. I have always been there when someone has needed me but I have had to be strong for myself. I don't know how to depend on another because no one has ever been there for me. When I go into to crisis mode, I just start doing, making phone calls, assigning tasks and making sure everything is taken care of. My needs are no longer important. My time to grieve is when I'm alone because I have to be strong when I'm with my family, I can't show them weakness. They need someone to depend on. Someone they know they can lean on and gain strength from. I wish I had someone I can gain strength from. For me, I have a great network of friends and during the summer I lay in the sun and listen to music that feeds my soul. With it being winter, I'm feeling a little lost.

Maybe I'm not meant to be a priority to anyone. To be that one person that is important to another person's life. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. I know I'm not meant to be a Dominant, I don't have that desire. But maybe I'm not meant to have that one person to kneel to, to service, to love, to devote myself too and to receive the devotion in return, to be protected and cared for.

Maybe my standards are too high? Maybe I should just accept the ones that say they love me even though I don't have any feelings for them. It really hasn't worked for me in the past, the relationship always end because I'm unhappy but I'm not really really happy now either. Is it better to be alone and unhappy or with someone and unhappy? Big question...

New Quote

"The lifting up of a woman does not require the tearing down of a man. In fact, a strong woman appreciates a strong man. Conversely, a strong man is not intimidated by a strong woman." ~ T.D. Jakes

It was a Meet n Greet weekend

I attended 2 meet n greets this weekend. The first was great because a couple of friends wanted to go and shoot pool. So we went and just hung out. We were able to hang out and I was able to reconnect with old friends while making a few new ones.

Actually, I not only reconnected, I strengthened some new bonds that were in the beginning stages. Because of the meet n greet, I was able to chat with one and this person encouraged me to attend their play party. I have heard from others about this person's famous parties but have always been nervous about attending. Now a new excitement is building as I enter a new phase.

Then there was my local meet n greet. It was small with only 1 new person in attendance but it was nice to have the chance to chat and get to know this person. I was able to learn the secret of making a woman squirt. I can't wait til I get the chance to try...lol.

This Week

This past week was a rough week for me emotionally. I was on a major roller coaster ride. I can't really explain why. I can give my impressions as to why I was feeling the way I was. Some will say it was just excuses but all I know is I couldn't control how I was feeling, nor could I change it.

I'm really glad Sir wanted to see me last night. He came to my area and I was able to spend a little time with him. I wasn't very subbie. He ask me about playing pool which caused my competitive side to emerge. He told me that he had planned on spanking my ass on the table all night which didn't happen. He wanted me to believe he wasn't very good which was is what all men tend to say. But they also don't believe that girls can be good either. That isn't the case with me. I may start out slow but once I warm up, look out.

I just don't know where this involvement is going. I'm often at a loss as too what I should be or not be doing. He says I haven't upset him and he plans to keep me guessing which will only create frustration.

I've got a Valentine's Day gift in the works. I will drop it off to him after my photo shoot on Feb 13th. I do hope he likes it. 

Getting Excited

On February 2 @ 1 pm, I'm going to be a demo dolly for a wax demo at Sexaplooza. I've never done anything this public so I'm a little nervous but yet extremely excited. I'm presently shopping for pasties and a thong.

There will be a photographer so I hope to post some pics. Keep your fingers crossed!

I'm not...

Yesterday, I posted something about being a difficult woman. I can honestly say I'm one of those difficult women. I'm upfront and honest when I start talking to someone new. I tell them how I'm going to react to certain situations. I'm always told by the individual that it won't be a problem, they will be able to handle it. The funny part, my moods are never handled well.

At this time, I'm maintaining control better than I have in the past. I've been a little upset because I'm feeling neglected and ignored. I don't think this is the way to nurture a potential relationship.

I re-read some recent messages from Sir which all seem positive and encouraging but my anger has taken over at this point. I've always been a wallflower and ignored. Sir hasn't ask what my needs are but I believe I have made mention within other blogs and conversations.

I ask what his needs was and he stated his desires are "simply". He doesn't realize my are much more simpler than his. At some point when I'm with him, I need to feel important and have his attention.

He one time discussed poly with me. To me, in a poly household all the women are hold at the same level. This prevents any jealousy. Each has equal time, equal play and are encouraged to get along with one another so that the household runs smoothy. Even if the individuals don't live together, the same circumstances exist so that Sir remains happy and satisfied.

I feel I'm only around to provide information. I have no other value which is so wrong. Communication has been lax and no time has really been taken to get to know me, so much has been missed. I have no doubts that I'm capable of doing whatever he needs and that includes pain.

Fear has stopped me from experimenting with pain. I have a high pain tolerance. I delivered babies with no meds. I had surgery and didn't take pain meds after the day of surgery. I always stopped pain medication after the 1st 24 hours. What I do take is over the counter, not prescription.

D/s is a two way street. If I'm submitting and meeting the needs of a Dominant than I expect my needs to be meet. Besides the ones mentioned above, I expected to be cared for and sexually satisfied.

I'm a very sexual person and that side of me has been ignored for years. Dominants seem to use it as a way to punishment. I could be doing everything right, meeting their needs but my sexual needs which is most important to me is ignored. I remain loyal to one til the relationship is done which hasn't seemed to impress anyone. Everyone prefers women that open themselves to everyone. I just don't understand, probably never will. (past experiences)

Tonight was a rambling night...I just had to get it out.