Evaluating

I think at all points in time we need to do an evaluation of ourselves and those around us. I'm at that point.

I recently broke up with my play partner and those that follow my blog know that and the difficulties that I have had. But as I thought would happen, he waited some time and again contacted me. My emotions have been all over the place with this relationship but I think I have realized today that it probably is a toxic relationship.

It started as sexual only. I would meet him, we would hang out, fuck and I would return home. During those times, we had a chance to sit, talk and get to know each other. I think I saw him struggling and thought I could sweep in to save at least part of his day...lol.

The reason I say part of the day was I didn't want to enter his life fully. I didn't want another to become dependent on me putting all the pieces together as had happened in the past. He said he wanted to learn more about being a dominant. I thought I could help, I'm great at finding information and finding events so that he could experience and observe others. However, over time I was slowly drawn into a place that I didn't want to be.

He had always included me in his life, introducing me to his family and friends. I enjoyed some of our times together enough to bring him into my life which is unusual. I don't allow just casually contacts to enter my inner sanctum. I introduced him to me closest friend and one of my daughters. As time went by, I continued to introduce him to additional family and friends. This is where our lines got blurred. I began to care.

Anyways, now I'm at the point, do I let him back in and if so how far? I don't trust him so I don't think I will ever be able to play with him or have a sexual relationship with him. He blurs the lines between me and my stalker. He sees us as doing the same things and he hears what he wants, not what is said.

My evaluation of me is I have realized I want something deeper. I want a Dominate that can actually dominate me mind, body and soul. I want one that understands, encourages and is attracted to me. One that is willing to explore but is able to sense when limits have been reached.

I also see where I have went wrong in my past relationships. I have given in an effort to impress, hoping that the individual will see my value. I try to take care of what is wrong which has create a dependency. I thought I was providing a service when actually I wasn't. I was actually doing what I know and do best, taking over. This is my dominate side coming out.

I have always been the one to take care of things. When my girls were growing up, I did what was needed to keep them together and provide for their needs. I guess when you know how to do something, it becomes automatic when you see someone else with the same needs.

I have also determined that a newbie might not be the person for me. I need someone that has already defined himself. One that knows what he wants and can state it. One that is willing to listen but able to guide. One that isn't easily offended.

From my past, I have had to accept my part of what went wrong within my relationships in order to move on. I think I can do that now. Apart of me wants to continue to include him in activities so he can continue to learn but I don't think this would be good. I think this would affect my potential to learn and grow.

I've also come to realize that I may meet and belong to several before finding the right one. But with each that comes into my life, I learn something new about myself which encourages growth.

I no longer hold the anger that I use to. I think I could even have a casual relationship with those past involvements. But things will never go back to what they were. I can only hope that they also see their part in what went wrong and learn from it also.

Submissive Challenge #4

Submissive Challenge #4

Questioning Your Submission

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

Accepting my submission has always been a struggle which continues today. I’ve had desires to give myself totally to another, to entrust someone with my safety, to trust that they will protect me from harm. I’ve had a desire to serve and care for a partner. To know them and anticipate their desires, needs and wants. Then to do what it takes to satisfy that person in all areas.

When I do find someone and begin to trust, I fall into a comfort area when my partner begins to anticipate what I will do to satisfy those needs especially the basic ones. However, my partner has never thought to give anything in return. My desires, needs and wants are left to be ignored. The lack of communication has created conflicts that severely erode the trust that was given so freely.

I have had the opportunity to observe other individuals and their level of trust and submission. I wonder if I will ever achieve the same level. I want to but I have doubts that I will find the individual that will encourage me to my fullest potential. Because I have realized that those involved must complement each other so that each can achieve and fulfill their designated roles. Each must want to know the other so deeply that actions can almost be predicted. The Dominate needs to be so in tuned to know the submissive to know when something is amiss, both physically and emotionally.

I have observed and chatted online with some individuals that I don’t believe truly understand what a submissive is. They state they are submissive but don’t have a good grasp on what submission actually is or entails. It’s more than just saying “Yes Sir” and to kneel before another. Or to be able to take a level of pain that others may fear. They make statements like “before sending a request for friendship, you must contact Sir”. However, they are the ones that do the contacting to satisfy their own needs and desires which are basically on the physical side. They don’t understand that D/s is not a vanilla girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. Their lack of knowledge and understanding is what is frustrating.

It’s also frustrating when someone identifies that they are submissive and they play the role in public but act the exact opposite in private. They are assigned a task to be completed but fail because they refuse to do what is requested. They report completing the task but it is completed to their own wishes not that of the person that assigned the task or in private they “top from the bottom” giving ultimatums so that they will be in control. In my opinion, their jealousy and insecurity drives their relationship and prevents them from reaching their full potential.

I think I have always been resistant to my own submissive feelings. At first, I saw being submissive as a weakness, a door matt. Part of this was because I saw how my desire to please was always abused. The people I was involved with seemed to always have an agenda that wasn’t known to me. Trust is given but damaged because of the actions of the person that is given such a gift of power over me. My past has shaped who I am which can't be changed overnight. It can be changed through understanding.

Bipolar

I thought I would write about being Bipolar. There seems to be a notion that if one has mental health issues they are "crazy". This is one reason people don't like to acknowledge there is a problem.

I have known for over 15 years that I'm Bipolar. I don't have hallucinations and I'm not psychotic. I am currently symptomatic and I'm choosing not to take medication. My symptoms are I'm irritable, moody, paranoid, periods of crying, don't sleep, isolates and low motivation. When I'm tired or under extreme stress, my perceptions can be distorted and my paranoia increased.

With this being said, my cyber stalker is real and has been for months. Most of the time, I could care less but she seems to attack when I'm overwhelmed.

I do believe that if I find the right person, I would be able to handle my symptoms. The one concern I have is sub drop. With me already experiencing the depressive side of Bipolar, what would sub drop do to me?

Apology

I want to take a minute to Apology to those that follow me and others that read my blog. My cyber stalker has been an issue since May. The one that I ask to help with this issue didn't believe it a problem and ask me to ignore. For months, I did just that ignore her. However, at some point, I couldn't take it any longer.

She doesn't openly stalk me. She has multiple IDs. I have attempted to block her only for her to recruit others to check my Fetlife page. She even once stated to another "I can find anything she writes on the internet". Now, she isn't that important to me. She doesn't have any information that would assist in my learning or growing.

At times, I think I'm in the clear. I can move forward but then she becomes angry and starts writing threads on Fetlife in groups that I will see just so she can attempt to provoke me. In order to prevent this, I have removed myself from every group but one that we were both members. I even left a group that I dearly loved just so trouble wouldn't over flow and interrupt the other members.

I do apology for letting it spill over into my writing. It consumed me for the day but I'm making plans to move my blog to protect privacy further. I'm putting this mess behind me so that I can continue with my agenda, not someone else's.

I appreciate those that follow me, I hope that some of the experiences that I wrote about has help another as other bloggers have helped me. I have grown due to my interaction with others on here and Fetlife.

Dear Stalker...

Sums up my feelings tonight...lol

It Continues

blkmanlittleone is my cyber stalker. This is just one of her many IDs. Her relationship with a mutual person has dissolved because of her behaviors and instead of accepting it, she is attacking me. I will not be posting her comments because they are negative, degrading and an attempt to instigate me. She is blocked from my Fetlife page and feels this is the only avenue of attack.

She is attempting to state my blogs are reporting something they aren't. I haven't reported the details she stated in her one and only comment. I have reviewed my blogs and I'm comfortable with what I have wrote. It doesn't give every detail or feeling but gives you, the reader, an idea of what I'm experiencing.

I will be contacting Google to file a complaint because I will not tolerate this inappropriate behavior. There is no way to block her at this point so I hope Google will respond appropriately.

This is only a minor bump in the road. I will not allow it to prevent me from exploring what I consider to be a wonderful lifestyle.