My Search

Most as what are you looking for and I respond "I'm not". The search has become tiresome because it seems guys are telling me what I want to hear and apparently not what's true. This makes it hard to find good matches because everything is based on exaggerations. Then you do find someone that seems to peak your interest, appears to be honest and trustworthy but the deeper you go something always comes up and things fall apart. 

Now this is the real funny part, it always seems to be my fault. I didn't email enough. I didn't approach and introduce myself. I didn't make an effort to meet. I'm too demanding when it comes to sex. I don't know my place as a submissive. I'm too busy. I've been disrespectful for stating my opinion. The list could go on. 

The thing is I'm upfront and honest. I don't commit at this time because of my grandson's medical issues and I can't make a potential Dominant a priority. I've been told a real one would stand with me through these issues but I can't manage to get past the talking stage.  

I have cravings and would love to apply the knowledge I have so I could grow further but I'm unable to find that person. I'm really at a loss as what to do when I'm talking and getting to know. I see it as a neutral time. Conversations are taking place, we are learning about each other. Its like a build up for when we are able to meet face to face. 

I believe part of my problem are my vanilla beliefs/thoughts that haven't been replaced yet because I haven't fully experienced power exchange relationship. Another part of the problem is when people and especially your reported partners continually disappoint you. It seems everyone states trust must be earned but yet just expects you to trust them based on their words or what is written. I don't know about anyone else but I learn to trust when someone makes states then follows through. Its the little things like I'll call you in an hour but they don't call for 3 hours, it makes one think.  

I Know Who I Am

I know who I am, why can't others see. I'm a strong, intelligent, independent woman. I wasn't made this way, I learned so that I could survive. Now, my submissive side is so buried that I don't know if it will survive. 

I've had to nurture my dominance so that I could provide for my children, work my way through college, survive 2 bad marriages and multiples bad relationships that all had agendas that wanted something from me without giving anything in return. My submission and good nature was taken advantage of because it wasn't nurtured, it was abused and neglected. 

And now, after all the hurt, neglect and abuse, its no wonder I don't trust or allow anyone to get close. It seems when I begin to get comfortable and think that maybe this a person I can let in, something happens. It might be me getting nervous and picking a fight or them being over sensitive when I'm trying to be playful. But whichever, walls are built and a separation occurs. Loneliness continues.  

Figuring out Me

I always thought I knew who and what I was. Then there are days that I think do I really know me. Have I found me yet? I know that sounds silly but its the thought that has been going threw my head.

One thing that I really haven't spoke about is my mental health issues. Most don't seem to care but I always try to inform up front. Moods are apart of me, whether they are from the Bipolar or possible menopause that may also be occurring. The bottom line is I don't always think clearly and don't always feel secure. I think its worse since I'm single and don't really have a partner to listen to me.

I have friends both male and female who would be there if I would call but its not the same as a partner. I'm feeling better and stronger but just lonely. I don't really feel close to anyone in the lifestyle. Most of the individuals I can turn too are vanilla. They don't understand how I'm feeling. The cravings, the deep desire to submit and give control over but yet the need to feel safe and secure in this world that no longer seems safe.

My past continues to come forward. Another emailed me this week wanting again to meet just for sex. I wasn't a priority and he always chose others. I was a last option fuck. Plus I'm a little selfish, I want my needs met if his are that didn't occur with this person.

I just don't know any more. Hopefully the summer will hold some hope. I'm not going to make any plans cause I'm tired of having to cancel them due to work.

Lost that submissive feeling

I've been thinking that I've lost that submissive feeling. But then I thought, did I ever really get the feeling of submitting? Yes, I've been over thinking things as well as building walls to keep just about everyone out.

I've been thinking over the last several weeks and months, I've come to the realization that I have never really been able to show my submissive side which is extremely sad. I have such passion and loyalty. I have the knowledge, I only need the right situation in which to apply the knowledge that I have gained so that I can grow.

As for the walls, the past continues to haunt me. It shows me that I made a good decision to walk away because the men that I have been talking with are of such higher quality. They are patient and in control. Most aren't of a concern due to distance. Sir is close but far enough to give me the room I need. Sir continues to tell me to have  patience but that is not one of my strengths.

I don't know where this journey is taking me but I'm sure it will be an experience. I might even try the Dominant hat for a minute. Inflicting pain maybe the stress relief that I need...who knows til one actually tries.

Disappointed

There has to be something wrong with me. I'm told I'm sexy and beautiful but apparently I'm not partner material, play or otherwise. Nothing I do seems to impress anyone. My needs, wants and fantasies go unheard. I don't make demands. I don't even ask for anything.

I had a very stressful month and just needed a simple hug, someone to hold my hand and give me a little strength. That was not to be had but I survived. This is why I don't open up to people. I have to rely on my own strength so it makes submitting hard. I have even come to the conclusion that I don't need aftercare. With me being Bipolar and re-starting meds, the meds will help with the sub drop (my roller coaster ride). Hence the ability to assist in blocking the emotion link that may be created from the touching and need to be cared for.

I depend on myself to defend my honor and protect me. Several men who conveniently forgot speaking to me approached me again. Of course, neither had memories of speaking with me or leading me on. Then others assume I'm just a piece of meat who will lay down to fuck cause I have a pussy and I guess that's what I'm suppose to do...they guessed wrong with me.

One that approached was an organizer of an event. When I didn't give an automatic yes, he stated I played games and blocked me. My comment was I didn't think I was the only one he approached. I hate not being the first choice but a last chance option. Something that is available when the man's first option is unattainable. They just don't know how it makes me feel.

Well, I'm not a piece of meat. I'm not like other women who just fucks everything that asks. I'm not 2nd, 3rd, 4th or so on option. I'm not the most beautiful. What I am is a woman who has come into her own sense of beauty and confidence. I'm intelligent and I have a sense of humor. I have knowledge of cultures and different topics. I have skills and talents that have gone unnoticed. So many are missing so much.

A Wish

If I had one wish for tonight it would be to cuddle up in bed tonight with Sir. A pillow top mattress with lots of pillows around us, soft sheets and a down comforter. Hence its a wish not to be fulfill. I'm going to bed alone in a cold bed with a quilt and comforter to eventually suffer from night sweats. Reality sure is different from our fantasy world.

Overwhelming Week

This week was the most overwhelming week I've ever had. My sister was found dead, there were a lot of drama and issues after my sister's death, my 2 youngest daughters were in the hospital for separate reasons and my car totally broke. If there was ever a time I needed my hand held it was this week but that was only a wish.

I believe this is one of the reason I will have such a hard time submitting fully. I have always been there when someone has needed me but I have had to be strong for myself. I don't know how to depend on another because no one has ever been there for me. When I go into to crisis mode, I just start doing, making phone calls, assigning tasks and making sure everything is taken care of. My needs are no longer important. My time to grieve is when I'm alone because I have to be strong when I'm with my family, I can't show them weakness. They need someone to depend on. Someone they know they can lean on and gain strength from. I wish I had someone I can gain strength from. For me, I have a great network of friends and during the summer I lay in the sun and listen to music that feeds my soul. With it being winter, I'm feeling a little lost.

Maybe I'm not meant to be a priority to anyone. To be that one person that is important to another person's life. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. I know I'm not meant to be a Dominant, I don't have that desire. But maybe I'm not meant to have that one person to kneel to, to service, to love, to devote myself too and to receive the devotion in return, to be protected and cared for.

Maybe my standards are too high? Maybe I should just accept the ones that say they love me even though I don't have any feelings for them. It really hasn't worked for me in the past, the relationship always end because I'm unhappy but I'm not really really happy now either. Is it better to be alone and unhappy or with someone and unhappy? Big question...