Longing

I long to be touched. Its been awhile since I have had intimate contact.
I long to be tied up. To be restrained while attempting to get free.
I long to have a pair of lips on my breast, sucking and biting.
I long to have a man's hand touching my body, rubbing and caressing.
I long to be used as I should be. To have my hair pulled, ass smacked and another body slamming into mine.
I long to be tortured with a variety of sensual sensations with the end result being safisification.
I long to be cuddled and carassed til I go to sleep, feeling safe and secure in his arms.

The lies catch up

"Q: Not sure how to ask this but I was seeing a Man that introduced me kinda to D/s I did my best to be what he wanted but the communication was lacking and too many long absences without any reason We were on and off for about a year. I loved him with all my heart I still do. One day I got a message from another woman asking about our relationship, how often I saw him ect. I called him immediately he was very upset and told me to tell her to forget about it. Then he broke things off with me again saying he had issues he couldn’t be in a relationship. then we were back and he said he loved me. but things were still the same very little contact unless he was in the area (he drove truck) In Jan I wrote to him saying I couldn’t do this anymore I needed to get off the roller coaster. I never heard back from him. Then one day he calls me, He misses me and wants to see me. I told him i missed him too and wanted to see him. Then a couple weeks later I get a message from Him saying He was in a relationship and our friendship was hurting it and he had to end it. I said Iunderstood. Then I got messages from him again saying that we will meet again and sure enough we did. It was like time had stood still. I fell asleep and woke up to find him looking at my profile on fetlife. I never even knew he was on that site. I left and went home. I searched for his page and saw that he was in a relationship with the girl that had messaged me about him. I went to her page and saw that he was to collar her. I cried and regretted seeing him. about a week after he collared her he sends me a message wanting to see me. I told him I now have a Trainer/mentor that he would have to go through him. His reply was I will not ask permission for something that belongs to me. of course my reply was that he chose her he collared her. Now my question is how dose he feel I belong to him? I really don’t understand his thinking at all He knows he has my heart I think he always will but I know he isn’t good for me at all so I need to be strong. I am doing much better now especially with the help of my Sir but sometimes thoughts just creep up on you. I asked him this and as usually he didnt answer and when I told him i would not sneak around behind her back he really got upset with me."

This was the relationship that B and I had. There were some differences but mostly similarities. Of course me being reactive, I questioned him. This was our interaction:

Me Im attempting a dialog w/u. Ur showing ur ill manners by not resonding. It is so disrespectful.

B No what's. Disrespectful is the texts you send with your choice of words until you can act like you have some sense don't say anything to me because I won't respond

Me Fine…if u want respect u need 2 earn it. U don’t own or control me. U lost that priveledge.

B Then my answer stands

Me U stated n May we could not b friends. U continue 2 contact. Seeing you or not no longer matters. I felt u wantd some type of interaction but it wont b based on ur whimes.

B I just read your email you should go be with your sir don't contact me again and you question is bullshit

Me I didn’t post that. Someone else did. U should re-read the email

Me Would u like the whole newsletter? I was explaining my anger & txt

B Then why are you fucking with me

Me Cuz the dick was good

B No whyte chocolate wrote it I have seen it

Me So she was talking abt u

B Lol no

B That's why I told you it was bullshit I had seen it before

Me U didn’t respond 2 me. U only ask y I was starting

B But I am done fighting with you we can't be friends I won't have you flaring up because of some shit you have read elsewhere

Me Ok…again ur decision. I have no voice. I will not continue as a yoyo. Stick by ur decision. If I delete u again I will not ever respond 2 u again. We will be finished.

B So be it

Me Good bye

Me This summer I had a cancer scare. The only think I could think of was the 2 times u spoke me & death. Im glad u made the decision u did. I will hold u 2 it.

B Why are you still contacting me I will not be spoken to like that even if I am not your dom and you don't respect me then fuck off leave me alone

With our encounter in August, I thought I had put my emotions in check. That is until I had seen the above question. It just brought all my hurt and anger back to the surface. All the lying, cheating, disloyalty, verbal abuse, meanness and just the attempt to inflict the most emotional pain.

I had told him about a week ago that I didn't respect or trust him. He didn't realize that I was serious when I said that. He felt that he could just smooth everything over if he let some time go by.

These are previous interactions:

Feb 12, 2010
I told you earlier that I would get to you on the way things are you are going to read lots of shit that tries to define who and what we are I don't go by text book you have even offered to be my booty call but I said no the thing is I love you tina I don't see you as just a fuck or anything like that yes you are my bitch and I don't want anybody in my pussy but me or those I select I want to guide you and be the rock in your life truth be told its hard to do it with me on the road and you there and all the shit I got going on at home wich you say I shut you out of but that's not tje case its not that I shut you out southerners don't like other people in their business and I feel what I would tell you would not so I just deal with things on my own

May 18, 2010
I never abused you if you were coopperative from the get go none of this would have happened I am returning home so now my focus is on family no time for your foolishness. And games you focus on what the world sees not what I tell you I don't need a sub that can't listen so you go and. Enjoy your. Nice do

Weak lol okif you say so I am not weak I don't trust you is the issue you are the weak one you give in to pleasing the flesh more like thebehavior of a whore and slut with sex. So blame me for not being able to love another man I don't care anymore and when I got your vm I had already responded to your text but its cool I will do as you say and not contact you again no reply is needed to this text

So be it when you took on play time with another. Dom you killed us and any type or hope of being #1 I am not your destiny just a replacement for lamont
Ok then its you that has contradicticted what you said not me I came around you ran off

You read them but its cool I don't give a fuck no more we are beyond repair beyond being friends

This relationship has taken a huge toll on me. I don't trust which prevents me from playing. I doubt what I'm being told because it seems like all the men that have been in my life have lied. I'm suspicious when approached by an individual who has one of the infamous third parties as friends. Am I being approached because they see me as a person they want to learn about? Or is it because of the lies that the third parties are reporting?

Can a sub have more than one Dom?

I saw this question in a Fetlife group and didn't really think a lot about it at the time. But now I'm reading An Owned Life by Dennis Najee which makes me ask "can a sub have more than one Dom"? According to the definition of a D/s relationship that Mr Najee is providing within his book which is "submission is limited in scope" and ceases at the end of the designated activity that it is possible as long as the sub is able to fulfill the needs of the Dom she is serving and lives up to the role as discussed between the parties.

Now, I understand that most Dominates would not like to share. But in the case of LDR (long distance relationships) or even those based solely on-line this would be suitable to all parties. Ok, I've thrown it out there, what's everyone think.

I have sent this question to Dennis Najee to get his opinion also.

The Woman

I've realized that Dominants aren't seeing me as the woman who wishes to submit. They look at a picture and draw their own conclusions without even investigating. They are putting me in a box and don't believe that I can exist outside that illusion.

They don't see the strength that I have had to possess and continue to hold. They don't see that I have their best interest at heart. That others won't be honest and tell them things that I will. The others fear discipline but I don't for I have how society views them, their reputation, too uphold. But isn't this all apart of the duty of a submissive. They don't see I want them to be the best person possible and that is the reason I continue to bring issues to their attention.

They don't see my intelligence, loyalty or devotion. They don't see I enhance the man beside me. They don't see my integrity. They believe I am incapable and helpless when the opposite is the truth.

Maybe someday a Dominant will see me for what I truely am. A woman who wishes to submit and serve a Master of strength and conviction.

Realizing

Of late, I have had a lot of time to think about my different relationships and the reason they have failed. Its not the blame for one or the other, its all parties involved which includes their life experiences. The common factor is the lack of honesty on all parties. Let me explain.

B, the first man to approach me that admitted he was a Dom and had lived the BDSM lifestyle. He also stated he had been in the lifestyle (swing and BDSM) his whole adult life. I'm finding inconsistency through his statements. He maybe a Dom but he isn't a Master. He hasn't learned how to nurture a unacknowledged submissive who is interested in the lifestyle. He may know how to use the tools but doesn't have the abilities to be a true Dominant or Master which would create a nurturing, loving and fulfilling relationship.

When I became aware of my interest in the lifestyle, I ask him for assistance to help me learn, explore and experience. Instead of helping me and providing me with direction, he states he didn't want to influence me into the lifestyle. He left me to shift through a mountain of information and figure out every step for myself. There was no guidance, no experiencing and no follow through. He was dishonest about the type of man he was and his integrity.

I was dishonest with what I wanted and needed. I actually wasn't directly dishonest. I just didn't want to admit what I wanted or needed. I didn't want to admit weakeness. I didn't want to admit what I didn't understand and couldn't accept. I degress but this was my part,

He actually only wants a slave. He wants TPE with no questions or negotiations. A contract means he can continue his "playa" persona while having his slave waiting. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't give anything back but she is required to give everything. He really doesn't provide a boundary between vanilla and the lifestyle. Its all about him and he is unable to see anything else. His view is correct and if you attempt to infer differently regardless of the tone, the sub or slave is the one being disrespectful. Everyone else is to blame, never...never him.

If he would be honest, he would acknowledge he wants a poly relationship. But he states he is an honorable man and don't cheat while in a relationship that is until he has a contract secured. Cheating is cheating as long as one party isn't aware. I don't trust or respect him any longer.

G was the next Dom I meet. I meet him online and we chat regularly. He has attempted to gain control over aspects of my life but I have continued to withdrawal. He has been supportive and provided some direction. He ask me to do some assignments that were thought provoking and allowed me to grow. I see him as wanting control but I don't know for what reason.

Another aspect of our relationship is the distance. He lives at least 7 hours away. I use to ask often about visiting but have given up. Both of our lives are complicated. I use to think he just didn't want to see me but I don't know. I'm inpatient and don't like waiting. I often wondered if this was his way of teaching me patience. He's guarded so I don't think I will ever know.

With this relationship, there is no exchange or at least I don't see it. There is me giving which is why I have continued to pull back when he attempts to exert control. I usually permit him some control but withdraw it when I feel I'm not receiving anything in the exchange. We continue to chat almost daily. We have some great conversations. I just don't know what he wants from this interaction. Is there an end goal? I doubt that we will ever meet but things do happen when you least expect.

M is different. He doesn't attempt to take control. When we met I expressed an interest in experiencing things with no ties. He has complied with that request. He spoke with me to find out what I wanted to experience then allowed me to experience. The scenes we have had have been basic but very enlightening. He has provided me with assignments that have been thought provoking and has ask what I want. There is a dialog between us that hasn't existed with the others. He has offered to be more in my life but I have declined. I see us as great friends. He and his slave are someone that I can trust fully.

S was an attempt at something I wasn't. I felt I was being honest with him. He continued to encourage. I think I surprised him when I requested to become apart of his house hold. I wanted some much to be apart of something and made a decision that I shouldn't have. I had even started to trust both of them. Things were clear and no explanations were made as to what exactly went wrong. Why they only wanted to offer friendship and not continue to train. Oh well, one lives and learns. I'm not sorry I made the decision but wish I wouldn't had been so gullible.

I really don't know where I'm going or where any of this will lead me but I continue on. I read blogs, different postings on Fetlife and I'm making friends with that I chat with and gain insight from their experiences. The one thing I need to overcome is my trust handicap. At some point, I will need to put faith into someone. But for now, I will continue as I am. That is til someone comes to sweep me off my feet...literally.

Continuing Search

I really don't know where I'm currently heading. I seem to have stalled in the middle of the road. I want to continue to explore but have had some recent experiences that shake my ability to trust. Maybe I just need some time. Maybe I need to get out and meet new people.

I posted in a Fetlife group that I thought I might have waited too long to explore this lifestyle. The responses were encouraging. One even told me to check other sites and provided a list. Another encouraged me to get more involved in my local community. I've actually searched for events and want to attend a play party. However, it has been suggested that you don't attend alone and I don't really have anyone to attend with me.

I've continued to follow several blogs which have been very informative. Also topics that are of interest are discussed along with their day to day interactions with their Dominants. I'm also following blogs that are wrote by Dominants which provide insight to how one thinks and reacts to some situations. The only thing I'm really lacking is physical experience which I've been really anxious to try.

The one thing that really amazes me is most view me as they want to see me. They really don't take the time to get to know me. To know what I like or learn how I will react to some situations. They don't see I'm capable of providing exceptional service. My abilities are unnoticed.

My current plans are to continue to read, learn and experience when possible. The search for a Dominant will not have any importance at this time. If a Dominant that I can trust and that I'm attracted to should present, it will be all good.

Interesting

I've been viewing my stats and I'm amazed that my page is getting reviewed. I started this blog to improve communication with my potential Dom. We were in a long distance relationship. However, that didn't work. He never read my blog. I know that 2 Dom friends have read some.

After the relationship failed, I continued to write as an outlet. I've had feedback on a couple of blogs which I find very interesting and I appreciate those that have responded. But I also began to explore and read other blogs on a regular basis. The information contained in the blogs have been great. Some even allows me to gain additional insight into myself and possible areas to work on.