My Search

Most as what are you looking for and I respond "I'm not". The search has become tiresome because it seems guys are telling me what I want to hear and apparently not what's true. This makes it hard to find good matches because everything is based on exaggerations. Then you do find someone that seems to peak your interest, appears to be honest and trustworthy but the deeper you go something always comes up and things fall apart. 

Now this is the real funny part, it always seems to be my fault. I didn't email enough. I didn't approach and introduce myself. I didn't make an effort to meet. I'm too demanding when it comes to sex. I don't know my place as a submissive. I'm too busy. I've been disrespectful for stating my opinion. The list could go on. 

The thing is I'm upfront and honest. I don't commit at this time because of my grandson's medical issues and I can't make a potential Dominant a priority. I've been told a real one would stand with me through these issues but I can't manage to get past the talking stage.  

I have cravings and would love to apply the knowledge I have so I could grow further but I'm unable to find that person. I'm really at a loss as what to do when I'm talking and getting to know. I see it as a neutral time. Conversations are taking place, we are learning about each other. Its like a build up for when we are able to meet face to face. 

I believe part of my problem are my vanilla beliefs/thoughts that haven't been replaced yet because I haven't fully experienced power exchange relationship. Another part of the problem is when people and especially your reported partners continually disappoint you. It seems everyone states trust must be earned but yet just expects you to trust them based on their words or what is written. I don't know about anyone else but I learn to trust when someone makes states then follows through. Its the little things like I'll call you in an hour but they don't call for 3 hours, it makes one think.